McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: The Recording Industry Will Destroy You.

THE RECORDING
INDUSTRY WILL
DESTROY YOU.
BY BRENDON LLOYD

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ATTENTION! IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 12, HAVE A PARENT READ THIS TO YOU.

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The Recording Industry Association of America has enriched your life through music since you were a baby. But now you betray us? We will destroy you. This is your notice that you will be sued for one of the following:

1. Downloading a song from the Internet.

2. Singing the “Happy Birthday” song.

3. Other.

4. None of the above.

If you would prefer not to be stripped of your home and dignity, please send us $3,750 in the return envelope. If your toddler has been named in this lawsuit, explain to them that the fruits of their labor as an adult will go to pay a debt that will ultimately lead to their death at a young age due to their inability to afford medical insurance. Toddlers never understand that, but they’ll get the point if you make them cry. If your household pet has been named in this lawsuit, it will be euthanized. If you are a 13-year-old girl, do not expect that the bad publicity in the past has made us hesitant to sue little girls—it has only made us hate you even more. If you, your household pet, or your toddler did not commit any of the acts above, then we will sue you and ruin your life forever for lying. Then we will sue you again, because it’s not about the money anymore. It’s about revenge.

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